Thursday, August 8, 2013

Burning Questions: What do I do when my kids break my heart?



Main Teaching Point:   Model and teach our kids what it means to choose the Holy and the clean in our pursuit of God.
Scripture Passage:  Leviticus 10:1-11
Secondary Scripture:   Leviticus 11:1, Leviticus 8-9

I come from a long line of disappointing children.  My brothers and I did the typical stupid things kids do and then we invented a few new ones.  My dad and mom did.  Their parents did.  It extends back.  However there is no parent immune to the disappointments that stem from their children making poor decisions.  Sometimes the consequences of those decisions are not so bad.  Sometimes they are tragic and heartbreaking.

I had a friend who called me once and related to me about how his 18 year old son, who had just been voted the homecoming king, was sent home from the homecoming dance because he showed up drunk.  My friend was crushed and didn't know what to do.  He had just realized that he was another in the brotherhood of kids who disappoint their parents.  We will all either be there or cause someone to be there.  And the Bible is full of those folks too.  Aaron is who we are looking at in the scripture above.

Moses was the leader of the people of Israel.  But Aaron was the high priest and his sons were priests.  It was their duty to be consecrated and then lead the people into God's presence.  That meant offering sacrifices for the people and also teaching them the statutes God was laying out for them to live by.  

Aaron and his sons knew the intricate and very specific restrictions that the Lord had laid out for the priests to follow when preparing to offer sacrifices.  Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu took this restrictions lightly and offered up something that was not obedient to God's command.  Immediately after they offered their unauthorized sacrifice, God acted.  He took their lives.  It would be a very public and painful experience for Aaron, Moses and the people of Israel.  

However through all of this, we learn so much as parents.  We learn that it is going to happen.  Our kids will make mistakes, regardless of our best effort to communicate clear instruction of God's plans.  How do I know this?  Because I make mistakes and they are bound together with my DNA.  How do we deal with this when it happens?  How do we cope with that reality?  Aaron is a perfect example for us.

Aaron was disappointed.  Obviously.  Although the Bible never mentions it directly, he had to at least be disappointed that his own children took God so lightly and valued their  lives so little that they would offend Yahweh so deeply.  We will be disappointed.  It will happen.

Aaron was embarrassed.  It was a very public thing that happened.  It wasn't something Aaron could hide away and deal with behind closed doors. In fact Aaron couldn't directly deal with it because he had to perform his duties as the priest.  But his sons' remains were carried out for all to see in front of all of the people of Israel.  The family would mourn.  The people would mourn.  But everyone would see it.

Aaron was hurt and broken hearted.  He lost two of his sons. What parent copes with that and processes it immediately?  It does not happen.  My dad passed away ten years ago.  My grandma, his mother, was actually still alive when he passed.  Even at 90 years old, the loss of her own son was just overbearing.  I remember seeing her break down and I remember her saying that no parent should every have to outlive their children.  Aaron was crushed.  How can one not be?  Even David was crushed and broken after Absalom died.  Our children will break our hearts.  They will hurt us deeply.  Either from something they say, something they do or an attitude they develop.  Or they will make a decision which could have tragic consequences.  And we will be left to take care of the family and our own obligations and responsibilities.

Aaron was silent.  The Bible says he held his peace.  He knew his kids messed up.  God himself spoke to Aaron and made it clear.  The priests were not to take that responsibility lightly.  Aaron never tried to defend or justify what they did.  It was an awful mistake.  And he stood there in silence.  He didn't feel the need to speak on behalf of his sons.  He had no defense.  We would do good to remember this example.  We aren't always supposed to defend our children.  Sometimes we need to let their actions speak for themselves.  That doesn't mean we don't deal with ourselves and our children and families.  But we don't go argue with the coach or the teacher or the principle about why our child is misunderstood.

Aaron was obedient to correction.  Moses and God both made it clear to him.  He had some course correction to cover.  Aaron had specific steps from Moses to follow.  And then he had some heart issues to deal with God about.  God tells Aaron to choose between the holy and the common.  Interesting that the opposite of holy isn't unholy, like clean and unclean.  No the opposite of what is holy is not unholy.  The opposite of holy is common.  It is being like everyone else.  And God tells Aaron to make that distinction and choose between the two.  Obviously God wants Aaron to choose what is holy.  It is important because God has some very specific things for Aaron to do.  And he needs Aaron to be able to teach his commands with integrity.  Aaron cannot teach the commands of the Lord without consistency and integrity.  How can the man who fashioned a golden idol for the people to dance in front of come to them now leading them in worship?  Only by choosing what is holy in his life. 

Our kids mistakes are their decisions to be sure.  But the first correction that needs to happen when my kids mess up is with me.  My heart and my actions and motives.  More than likely my kids will learn it from me.  Where could Aaron's sons have come up with taking God lightly?  Perhaps when their father fashioned a god out of gold for the people to worship like pagans.



Aaron had two other sons.  Keep our children’s mistakes in perspective.  If I get too off kilter over one child's mistakes (or successes for that matter) it can communicate to my other child(ren) that I value that one more.  I don't want my kids trying to get my attention from something they feel like they need to do.  They should have my attention because I am their father.  Aaron was forced to keep perspective.  He had other children who needed direction and support during this time of loss. 

Now there is a benefit to choosing the holy path of dealing with my children and their disappointments.  I can then live a life of integrity, consistent with God's word.  Another great perk is getting to hear God speaking directly to you!  Aaron had always heard God via Moses.  God would speak to Moses.  Moses would speak to the rest of them.  Until this situation.  God speaks a rebuke directly to a suffering father, Aaron.  And Aaron deals with it and embraces it and leans into the teaching.  And then beginning in Leviticus 11:1 we see God speak to Moses AND Aaron.  Now God is speaking directly, powerfully to Aaron.  He doesn't need a go between any more.  When I choose what is holy over what is common, God is then allowed access directly to me - He cannot abide the presence of sin.  How much easier would it be for me to lead my children when God is speaking directly to me?

Obviously being a parent is difficult.  Our kids will make mistakes.  How I respond to them and seek God in the process is what matters.  Do I just punish my kids or do I seek personal correction and direction before I go in and provide it for my children?  I would do good to follow Aaron's example found in Leviticus 10 and 11 in dealing with the disappointments caused by my children.

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