Wednesday, July 24, 2013

BURNING QUESTIONS: What Happens when Christian Friendships end?



Main Teaching Point:   God brings relationships/friendships into our lives for different reasons and different lengths of time.  Learn how to enjoy them while you are in them and appreciate what they did for you after you are through them.

Scripture Passage:  Acts 15:36-41

Secondary Scripture:  2 Tim. 4:11, Colossians 4:10, 1 Cor. 9:6


 So I checked out one of those fantastic friends quizzes online from one of those delightful teeny bopper mags.  It was a "Are You a good friend?" quiz.  It was written for teenagers and after reading through it, I assume by teenagers as well.   The grammar was atrocious and the questions were all versions of "would you do anything for all of your friends?  yes, no maybe."  I wish that superficial quiz made me feel any better about being such a lousy friend.  However, after reading through the focal passage above, I have a new set of questions, a more insightful quiz to take.

I am the first to admit that I am a lousy friend.  I don't always communicate.  I am selfish.  I am petty.  I have a big ego.  I am pretty proud of myself.  I am a jewel in the friendship crown, to be sure.  I don't have many life-long friends and the age-old friends dept is running pretty low these days too.  I don't really have arguments and end friendships.  I just sort of fade away from them.  But that doesn't mean I don't have bitter or jealous or petty feelings about people I used to be friends with.  I certainly do.  The sad thing is that most of these friends are Christians.  When I think about it, my Christian friends are actually less skilled in the arts of friendship than my poor, lost friends.  It really grieves me lately that I have disabled so much of the unity and harmony in the church by how lousy a friend I have been.

So to see Paul and Barnabas have such a strong dispute that forces them to go their separate ways encourages me.  Remember, Barnabas vouched for Paul.  He gave Paul entry into the leadership of the early church.  And they were a very effective missionary team.  But on that first big missionary journey, Barnabas's cousin John Mark bailed out early.  This never set well with Paul.  When they were putting a team together to get out for round two, Barnabas suggested his cousin get a second chance, get back in the swing of things.  Paul would have none of it as John Mark had backed out already.  So they split.  Paul and Silas went one way and Barnabas and John Mark went another.  And this very personal conflict is on display for all to see in the pages of Luke's account.  God wanted us to see this.  After reading through it, here are the questions I asked myself and my disagreements or friendship failures and fallouts.

Did my disagreement with my brother in Christ involve a dispute over Biblical doctrine?  Paul and Barnabas had a disagreement over a personal preference or choice.  Not over something crucial doctrinally.  What about me?  Do my disagreements with other believers stem from a dispute over Biblical doctrine?  Not really.  Oh sure, there are people that I disagree with as far as various interpretations of doctrine goes but I am not friends with them.  Most of the time I don't even know them.  No when I lose an actual friend, or when I grow apart from one, it is because of my own selfish nature.

Did my disagreement lead me towards or distract me from continuing to do God’s will?  Paul and Barnabas stayed focused on advancing the gospel.  They were mature in that regard.  They both saw the value each one brought to advancing the cause of Christ.  There was still love and respect.  It was just being overshadowed by a personnel decision.  And that is okay.  Because as we read later in Paul's own letters he still values and honors Barnabas and even accepts and asks for John Mark.  When I have a friend issue, I can honestly say that it distracts me from continuing to do God's will.  In fact, I will even justify my own distraction by pointing out (at least to myself) how the other person was wrong. 

Does it matter who was right and who was wrong?  Luke never says anyone was right or wrong.  It was a sad dispute but nobody ever gets to be right or wrong.  We assume Paul and Barnabas never see each other again because Barnabas exits the Acts narrative at this point.  But they surely communicated somehow because Paul is aware of Barnabas's work in the field.  Maybe letters were exchanged, updates shared via mutual friends and co-workers.  But just because we follow Paul's story doesn't mean he was right.  And if anything Paul changed his view on John Mark.  Now I have to be right, at least a little.  And you have to be wrong.  At least a little.  For some reason that matters.  If necessary, I will twist scripture out of context ever so slightly to prove I am right.  But the need to always be right causes such personal darkness and just wrecks the heart of a believer.  The selfishness just overtakes the Light.

How quickly can I get to a place where I wish them nothing but God’s best and continued success in their lives?  The darker my heart, the more "right" I am, the more justified I am in defending my position pushes me further and further from getting to where Paul ended up.  Wanting God's best and continued success for Barnabas and John Mark.  I have some friends that I am still trying to get there with them in this regard.  What a mark of Paul's maturity, to want Barnabas to be taken care of.  To want John Mark to help him because he could see the usefulness.  I have to get to a place where, despite whatever water has passed under the bridge, I want to see all of my friends, both current and former, to be blessed with  God's best success.  I am a long way off from this.  I assume we all are.

Did my love AND respect for my friend diminish after the breakup?  If so, why?  At some point, Paul remembered the value and role God has used Barnabas to play in his life.  He remembered why he allowed John Mark to begin the journey with him.  There might have been a season of, at the very least, awkward feelings but it gave way over time to love and respect.  Love can be easy, at least to give it lip service.  But respect is hard to restore to the former friends you have either slipped away from or bolted away from.  If I simply cannot restore either love or respect or both to the friend, then maybe I never had it for them in the first place.  God places people in our lives.  Some he keeps there for a lifetime.  Some he moves in and out for a season.  Regardless, I need to be able to see that this friendship is or was a blessing from God.  What can I learn from it?  Why did God have that person in my life for that time of my life?

Friends could be lifelong or they could be seasonal.  Learn to appreciate both types. See the value that God sees in it.  

Why would God display such a personal conflict so openly in the pages of scriptural history like this?  To give us hope.  To show us how to work through it.  To help us keep our heroes on the appropriate level of a pedestal.  There are any number of reasons.  I don't know exactly why God gave us this brief story of a friendship magnificently crashing to earth.  But I am glad He did because I needed to examine my own life.

How long will I accept being a lousy friend? 

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